Homesick.

As many of you know, I did not get the chance to go home over Christmas last year due to lack of finance, and though it was difficult at times to be away from family, I took it as an opportunity to get closer to Jesus and be a blessing in each of the locations I was at over the holidays. So, having not seen my family since September of 2012, Easter was my next hope. For most of the month of January, Mom and Dad had been saying they would be trying to save pennies for me to return for a month at Easter. I had been praying into this trip since Christmas and really holding out hope that I would finally be able to see my family.

Then about a week ago, I was on Skype to Mom and Dad, discussing possible Easter plans when they told me that the money they thought they would have for a ticket had to go towards more immediate needs. In their ‘Are you ok?’ after giving me this news, I half-heartedly attempted a smile and after a few minutes, hung up. Hearing this news for the second time round was considerably harder than in December. I got angry and upset, wondering why God hadn’t provided and why I had to suffer (well, suffering by first world standards) again by waiting without any assurance as to when I would be able to see them next. (We’d already said no to summer due to the need for a full-time job.) So that night, after a fair amount of tears and wallowing in self-pity, I pulled out my bible in a year (well, more like a year and a half) and opened it to the entry for the day. The New Testament reading was from 2 Timothy Chapter 2. I was still feeling pretty down, and as I was reading, verse 10 stuck out to me, it reads: ‘Therefore, I endure everything for the sake of the elect, that they too may obtain the salvation that is in Jesus Christ, with eternal glory.’

I paused for a minute thinking on this, and two incredible truths were revealed to me. I realised that while I had been complaining about my lack of opportunity to see family, I had not even thought about the opportunities of others to hear the gospel. I had no idea how God could use me over the Easter break, if I didn’t go back to the US. I had not even thought of ‘the elect’ – the people God could use me to minister to if I let Him direct my steps. Maybe if I stopped thinking about my ‘suffering’ and more about how God could use me to bless others or share the gospel, I would find my time well spent, and likely end up more fulfilled and blessed than I could imagine. What’s the verse? ‘It is more blessed to give than to receive…’

The other truth gave me an incredible new understanding of 2 Timothy 2:10. As I was reading it, I heard a voice say ‘Do you not think I longed to be with my Father? I knew the suffering that was coming for me on earth, do you think I would have rather been here, or with my Father in Heaven?’ I stopped and just marvelled at Jesus. I had never even considered that Jesus would have been homesick. Heck, I’m homesick for the kingdom now, and I know I have many adventures left ahead of me! But Jesus knew He would be persecuted, rejected, alone and crucified. Of course He would have rather been in Heaven! This came to me both as a soft reprimand (to stop thinking so much about myself), and a loving hug of ‘I know how you feel, I’ve been through it too’. It was such a profound truth for me, and not just one that related to my current circumstances, but also one that will relate to so many situations in the future.

It brings me back to the heart of God. I feel honoured that God not only showed me a part of his grieving heart for the people who don’t yet know Him, but also that He grieves with me when I am grieving. He is not an unattached, distant being, He wants to share in the pain, and be the strength you need.

So, continuing with a new sense of strength and a decision to try and honour God in every circumstance, I put out prayer requests, choosing not to give up hope on Easter, but also choosing to be OK if the money didn’t come through and to ask God how He wanted to use me over Easter. Then about a week later, I had returned from a wonderful weekend in High Wycombe visiting dear friends when I received a call from Mom and Dad excitedly asking if I had checked my email yet. The excitement welling, I sprinted up to my room, opening my laptop to find an email from Dad entitled ‘C Splawn London-Heathrow…’ (I didn’t need to see the rest I was already in tears). I got on Skype to see Mom and Dad’s beaming faces, and me who could neither sit still nor talk in full sentences – God had done it. They proceeded to tell me that a combination of finances found within our own resources and a discovery of some unknown air miles had bought me a ticket home for a month. I could hardly (still can’t) contain my excitement. In my decision to honour God and seek His will above my own, I had been honoured. It is a joy I can only describe as being God’s joy – another piece of His heart. I imagined Him smiling as I received the news, sharing in the joy.

Now, does this mean the revelations from the Bible verse and the desire for God to use me become pointless? Of course not! I will still proclaim God and aim to be a worthy reflection of His love, I just get to do it with family by my side for a month. It’s truly amazing what God does when we decide to choose His will above our own. I often spend far too much time thinking about my needs and my suffering, and usually when I get carried away, God’s word knocks me down a few pegs, but its through staying in His word that this happens. I am learning more and more the importance of God’s word and how active it is in my life. God uses it to speak to me whether that is convicting me of pride issues, or showering me with His love, I find myself constantly grown and blessed.

Well, I guess that’s it. I wrote this, as I want it to be an encouragement. God’s word never returns to us void – a truth I am learning the significance of daily. Know that if you are suffering, Jesus has been there, and wants to walk with you through it. And if you’re in a season of joy, thank Him for it! He deserves all the praise and all the glory.

Thanks for sticking with this, I know it’s a pretty long post, but I hope you enjoyed it and were encouraged by it.

Many blessings,

Claire x

By process of...Trust - Part 2

Ok, here is the rest! This section has a little bit more on my decision of where to study, how I got to this point, and God's exciting guidance through it all! My future is looking so good and I'm mega excited for all God has in store for me!

A particular event which helped to confirm this career choice in Law was at a youth leader’s conference at my church in early February. I had been in a state of confusion and emotional instability (and slight anger with God for not giving me an answer about my future) and desperately just wanted to HEAR God’s voice. In a time of quiet worship in the service, I decided that rather than shout my demands at God, I would be still and listen (what’s that verse? ‘Be still and know that I am God…’) and as the music began to build again, I heard, as clearly as if those on stage were singing it directly to me ‘Claire, what makes you angry?’.  It is not often that I can immediately discern my voice against God’s, but this word was clearly from Him, and the great part was, I didn’t even think before I answered, almost immediately: ‘Injustice. Injustice makes me angry’. Now, although these next thoughts weren’t as clearly from God as the first, I felt a sense of God saying: ‘That’s good, now let’s use that anger.’ After this, I felt an overwhelming sense of peace. All of the frustration and anger that had been building for months seemed to melt with the sense of ‘You are my [daughter], whom I love; with you I am well pleased.’ – Mark 1:11. Now, personally I did not see what God would have been pleased with me about over the past months. I was frustrated, had a negative, angry attitude towards the future and wasted time that I could have been seeking God for my future, to do useless things like watch ridiculous amounts of TV and moan about chores. I wanted to be loud and angry, when God wanted me to just ‘be still’. 

Do you ever get this picture of us throwing a tantrum on earth and God just sitting up on a throne, looking at a watch with a smile on his face waiting for us to calm down and listen to Him? I think this can apply for most of us…

Well, from that point I have continued to pray and seek God in my choice of career path and can confidently say, I believe that Law, specifically European Law, is what I feel God has called me to do. Whether that means I start this coming September, or take a gap year and start in 2013 (if I don’t get the grades), I believe Law is where God will place me. I am so excited. The University of Kent, in the South of England is currently my top choice for a number of reasons: it is known as the UK’s European University, there are students from 75 different countries studying in the law school alone (YAY!! DIVERSITY, INTERNATIONAL PEOPLE! :D), and it is known as a Critical Law School, where they give students the chance to argue for or against laws and share their views, as opposed to Black Letter Law – learning, understanding and applying the law – with no room to challenge it. 

Quick note to add for all the Americans - getting into university here is completely different than getting into US Colleges. Here, offers are contingent upon students achieving certain grades at the end of their Senior Year. For example, I need AAB to get into Kent University, and should I fail to meet those requirements, the university is well within their rights to reject my offer of a place - no pressure! This is why I mentioned not starting until 2013 - in case I don’t get the grades, then a gap year is in order! 

Many have asked me if part of my motivation to study law is for the money. I can honestly and confidently say NO. The money has absolutely no interest to me. My parents have taught me an essential lesson of trusting in God for ALL financial needs. Though we have never had ‘extra’ material things such as extra money for clothes or the latest consumer gadgets, we have never gone without. God has been generous, and it has taught me that when God says in His word that ‘He will provide all our needs according to the riches of His glory in Christ Jesus’ – that he will be true to his word. I am considering a concentration in Immigration Law or doing legal aid work, of which I am well aware are not the high paying jobs. This does not bother me because I trust that God will provide all of my needs, and working with those who cannot pay for legal representation is often where you can build friendships and share Christ’s love. I am excited to work with the marginalised, the forgotten, and the ‘stepped over’ citizens that are so neglected by the government. This is where God can use me, and this is where I believe my light for Christ, can shine brightest. 

So folks, I write this for those of you who live far away, for any of you who are interested in the how’s and why’s of my choice to study law, and to share a bit of my passion with you. It’s difficult to explain just how excited I am about the upcoming future! For those in the US who are disappointed that I won’t be returning for an extended period or for College, I am sorry, but I hope you understand and support my decision, and will be excited with me. (I am however, returning this summer for about 2 1/2 months!) I am just beginning an incredible journey with Him, and my joy is overwhelming! This is my first full blog post and I plan to do more, just to keep you all updated about these next months and my university journey. 

Thank you all, I am blessed to have you all by my side, walking through this exciting time with me!

God Bless,

Claire Splawn

By process of…Trust.

I know this is long winded, so I will be posting it in two parts, one this week, and one next week.
 

Since around September/October time, when school began prompting me to start applying to university, I have been in a state of uncertainty. Up until June/July of 2011, my plan had been to study English Literature and Spanish, Joint Honours at university. I enjoyed languages and the analysis of literature excited me immensely. Over the summer of 2011 and throughout September I began going to Open Days at universities to find out about their English and Languages departments. On one of these university open days, I ended up missing one of the seminars for English but decided to look on the list to see which other seminars were available. The seminar for Law was on the list, and I basically figured ‘why not? It might be interesting’. I had no idea where this would lead me… From that seminar I began to research into the subject of law and ended up picking it up as an AS (extra) subject for Year 13 (Senior Year).  When I started the course, I found out just how incredibly fascinated I was about how the law operates (and how much corruption, injustice and faults there are in the system). So, I kept going with the subject thinking, ‘maybe I’m just in a sort of honeymoon phase, and eventually this will bore me’ – God has obviously had other plans. Backtracking a bit, to November, I began drafting up my personal statement and began choosing universities to apply to. With our missionary status and having lived in Holland, and visited France, Belgium and Spain, I decided that I didn’t want to focus on straight law, but wanted a more European twist to the course. One of the perks about living in Europe is that yes, these types of courses are available!
 

Around the same time, I became aware of my options for studying at Christian Liberal Arts Colleges in the US, some of which were near to my grandparents – a definite bonus! So after completing and sending off my UK university applications, I began my US applications. I chose 3 colleges to apply to and had a range of forms and essays to complete about my Christian faith walk and my academic interests. What originally pulled me towards US colleges was the appeal of a Christian environment with like-minded students who also had the desire to glorify Christ in what they do. Though this aspect is highly appealing, there is the issue of not being able to study law until postgraduate level and not having the flexibility to study European law or practice in Europe immediately after obtaining my degree - a definite disadvantage.
 

Currently, I have received 2 of my 3 offers from US Colleges, and all 5 offers from UK Universities.
 

So, why law you might ask? Well, this has been growing in me for a while now and as I deepen my understanding of the way the English legal system functions, it makes me desire change. Through many of the asylum seeker and refugee friends I have grown up knowing as family, I have been able to walk through gross injustices with them as a result of our ‘work in progress’ legal system. Their injustices have become my injustices. I am desperate to make a change. 



Here is where this first post ends, more to come next week! It's already written and waiting to be heard, but I figured it was a bit too long for one blog post. Watch this space!

God Bless,

Claire Splawn