Homesick.

As many of you know, I did not get the chance to go home over Christmas last year due to lack of finance, and though it was difficult at times to be away from family, I took it as an opportunity to get closer to Jesus and be a blessing in each of the locations I was at over the holidays. So, having not seen my family since September of 2012, Easter was my next hope. For most of the month of January, Mom and Dad had been saying they would be trying to save pennies for me to return for a month at Easter. I had been praying into this trip since Christmas and really holding out hope that I would finally be able to see my family.

Then about a week ago, I was on Skype to Mom and Dad, discussing possible Easter plans when they told me that the money they thought they would have for a ticket had to go towards more immediate needs. In their ‘Are you ok?’ after giving me this news, I half-heartedly attempted a smile and after a few minutes, hung up. Hearing this news for the second time round was considerably harder than in December. I got angry and upset, wondering why God hadn’t provided and why I had to suffer (well, suffering by first world standards) again by waiting without any assurance as to when I would be able to see them next. (We’d already said no to summer due to the need for a full-time job.) So that night, after a fair amount of tears and wallowing in self-pity, I pulled out my bible in a year (well, more like a year and a half) and opened it to the entry for the day. The New Testament reading was from 2 Timothy Chapter 2. I was still feeling pretty down, and as I was reading, verse 10 stuck out to me, it reads: ‘Therefore, I endure everything for the sake of the elect, that they too may obtain the salvation that is in Jesus Christ, with eternal glory.’

I paused for a minute thinking on this, and two incredible truths were revealed to me. I realised that while I had been complaining about my lack of opportunity to see family, I had not even thought about the opportunities of others to hear the gospel. I had no idea how God could use me over the Easter break, if I didn’t go back to the US. I had not even thought of ‘the elect’ – the people God could use me to minister to if I let Him direct my steps. Maybe if I stopped thinking about my ‘suffering’ and more about how God could use me to bless others or share the gospel, I would find my time well spent, and likely end up more fulfilled and blessed than I could imagine. What’s the verse? ‘It is more blessed to give than to receive…’

The other truth gave me an incredible new understanding of 2 Timothy 2:10. As I was reading it, I heard a voice say ‘Do you not think I longed to be with my Father? I knew the suffering that was coming for me on earth, do you think I would have rather been here, or with my Father in Heaven?’ I stopped and just marvelled at Jesus. I had never even considered that Jesus would have been homesick. Heck, I’m homesick for the kingdom now, and I know I have many adventures left ahead of me! But Jesus knew He would be persecuted, rejected, alone and crucified. Of course He would have rather been in Heaven! This came to me both as a soft reprimand (to stop thinking so much about myself), and a loving hug of ‘I know how you feel, I’ve been through it too’. It was such a profound truth for me, and not just one that related to my current circumstances, but also one that will relate to so many situations in the future.

It brings me back to the heart of God. I feel honoured that God not only showed me a part of his grieving heart for the people who don’t yet know Him, but also that He grieves with me when I am grieving. He is not an unattached, distant being, He wants to share in the pain, and be the strength you need.

So, continuing with a new sense of strength and a decision to try and honour God in every circumstance, I put out prayer requests, choosing not to give up hope on Easter, but also choosing to be OK if the money didn’t come through and to ask God how He wanted to use me over Easter. Then about a week later, I had returned from a wonderful weekend in High Wycombe visiting dear friends when I received a call from Mom and Dad excitedly asking if I had checked my email yet. The excitement welling, I sprinted up to my room, opening my laptop to find an email from Dad entitled ‘C Splawn London-Heathrow…’ (I didn’t need to see the rest I was already in tears). I got on Skype to see Mom and Dad’s beaming faces, and me who could neither sit still nor talk in full sentences – God had done it. They proceeded to tell me that a combination of finances found within our own resources and a discovery of some unknown air miles had bought me a ticket home for a month. I could hardly (still can’t) contain my excitement. In my decision to honour God and seek His will above my own, I had been honoured. It is a joy I can only describe as being God’s joy – another piece of His heart. I imagined Him smiling as I received the news, sharing in the joy.

Now, does this mean the revelations from the Bible verse and the desire for God to use me become pointless? Of course not! I will still proclaim God and aim to be a worthy reflection of His love, I just get to do it with family by my side for a month. It’s truly amazing what God does when we decide to choose His will above our own. I often spend far too much time thinking about my needs and my suffering, and usually when I get carried away, God’s word knocks me down a few pegs, but its through staying in His word that this happens. I am learning more and more the importance of God’s word and how active it is in my life. God uses it to speak to me whether that is convicting me of pride issues, or showering me with His love, I find myself constantly grown and blessed.

Well, I guess that’s it. I wrote this, as I want it to be an encouragement. God’s word never returns to us void – a truth I am learning the significance of daily. Know that if you are suffering, Jesus has been there, and wants to walk with you through it. And if you’re in a season of joy, thank Him for it! He deserves all the praise and all the glory.

Thanks for sticking with this, I know it’s a pretty long post, but I hope you enjoyed it and were encouraged by it.

Many blessings,

Claire x